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eFaithFarm Jesse and Julie Ryan Casey and Molly ironSoap Datt Mouglass Stanley Wishlist Log into BlogMonday, November 13, 2006
NBA Names: Awash With Ridiculousness
Here's my take on the names of the teams in the NBA, in the spirit of my brother's lists about team names in pro baseball and hockey and my Dad's article about the NFL's team names. Rather than grouping them the way they did, i just gave individual grades and listed them alphabetically. Enjoy!
Well, there you have it. I would say that the Rockets, Timberwolves, and Heat have the best names, and the Jazz, Knicks, and Nets have the worst. What do you think? Feel free to comment here or on the original post back on eFaithFarm.com.
- Atlanta Hawks - B+ - As it has been said, birds of prey are good candidates for names, since they invoke images of speed, stealth, and ferocity. The fact that the Atlanta Hawks have never been very good does not negate their good name. The only thing that takes away from their name is that it was originally the Black Hawks, taken from the same stupid source as the Chicago hockey team. Mercifully, the Atlanta team was wise enough to lose the Native American imagery.
- Boston Celtics - C- - While the Celtic peoples were rather feared for their wildness and ferocity in the middle ages (or so we would believe if we've seen Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves), according to this article, the connection to Boston is apparently that Boston has a "strong Irish ancestry". Lame. Plus, wouldn't people of Celtic ancestry be called "Celts"? We don't refer to a person from Japan as "a Japanese", do we? Names that are actually adjectives are dumb, and so is this one.
- Charlotte Bobcats - C+ - Bobcats are fierce and fast, so this one is okay. However, I have a serious issue with the quote given here - that they named it Bobcats because the owner is a "cat named Bob?" Could there be a stupider reason for a name?
- Chicago Bulls - B- - A bull definitely has the qualities of strength and power, but it seems that the local connection is more to the meat-packing industry in Chicago. Bulls have strength and power; steaks and burgers do not. Points docked.
- Cleveland Cavaliers - C - It's not easy to say what specifically this name refers to, other than this description from NBA.com: ontest winner Jerry Tomko wrote that the Cavaliers "represent a group of daring, fearless men, whose life’s pact was never surrender, no matter what the odds." Okay, but is there some kind of history behind it? No one seems to know. Seems a bit like the Tennessee Volunteers, which I think is also a stupid team name.
- Dallas Mavericks - D+ - Is it just me, or does the NBA have some of the worst name origins in sports? The Mavericks were apparently named after a TV series. See this page. A Maverick could probably be seen as a smooth leader or a revolutionary, but these guys are a TV show. Unacceptable.
- Denver Nuggets - D - Locally specific, but no one was ever afraid of a nugget. Except maybe the nuggets at McDonalds. Ba-da-bing! Sorry. Nuggets = Loser name.
- Detroit Pistons - B- - A mildly acceptable name. Pistons do suggest power, and it's quite specific. Not the best, but better than most of the NBA names we've seen.
- Golden State Warriors - B - Warriors is fine. Not locally specific, but a good name for a sports team. Their location name is dumb, though. Why not the Oakland Warriors? Or even the California Warriors if they wanted to be a regionally-named team? Dumb, indeed.
- Houston Rockets - A - Houston did well with its name. Rockets are definitely powerful and majestic, and the Houston-NASA connection is pretty obvious. Good job.
- Indiana Pacers - C+ - Supposedly "Pacers" is about either horses or cars, specifically the pace car at the Indy 500. So it's not exactly the dumbest name in the NBA. However, they do probably have the dumbest logo in the NBA, possibly in all of sports.
- Los Angeles Clippers - C- - This is the first in our list to have a name that lost its significance after the franchise moved. Not that most people would associate "Clippers" readily with San Diego either, but still. Ends up being mildly dumb without the regional problems, and rather dumb with them.
- Los Angeles Lakers - D- - A capital offender of the should-have-changed-their-name-when-they-moved group, many are familiar with the story of the Minneapolis Lakers (Minnesota being the Land of 10,000 Lakes or something) moving to L.A. (a distinctly lake-less area) and changing their name to...the L.A. Lakers. Is coming up with a good name for a team really that hard that they couldn't have picked something better? Looking over this list, maybe it's harder than it looks. Yeesh.
- Memphis Grizzlies - B- - Another (less-dubious) member of the SHCTNWTMG, Grizzlies was really good in forest-and-mountain-filled Vancouver, but it loses some of its regional significance going to Tennessee. Maybe the Memphis Ribs or something. Mmm, ribs.
- Miami Heat - A - I happen to think that team names that don't have an "s" at the end are kind of dumb, for whatever reason. Heat is actually a pretty good name for a team from Miami, so if my only gripe is that it's one of those names that are so prevalent in the Arena Football League and other non-major leagues, then i guess they did pretty well. Still bothers me, though.
- Milwaukee Bucks - B+ - Bucks is actually a pretty good name, when you think about it. They may not be the most aggressive creatures, and they may be the hunted and not the hunter in almost every case, but they do have some power to them and certainly some majesty. Not the best of the bunch, but a winner.
- Minnesota Timberwolves - A - The only thing bad I can say is that it's kind of bulky (7 syllables is a lot), but shortening the name to the equally fitting T-wolves fixes that. One of the best names - Timberwolves are locally appropriate and fierce, fearsome predators.
- New Jersey Nets - F - I read that the Nets picked their name for two reasons, both of which are ridiculous: 1)Nets are an aspect of the game; and 2)It rhymes with two other New York-area team names, the Mets and the Jets. I think all three of those team names just lost a lot of points in my book. Not a strong name to begin with, the Nets head to the cellar for their history.
- New Orleans/Oklahoma City Hornets - A - Hornets may have been better in terms of region-appropriateness when they were in Charlotte, but in New Orleans or Oklahoma City, Hornets is still a good name for a team, suggesting speed and an attacking instinct.
- New York Knicks - F - Do i really have to say anything about a team called the Knickerbockers? Really, do I?
- Orlando Magic - A- - Like the Heat, this name bothers me a little, but it is a pretty good name. In basketball, being tricky is a good quality, so it works in the NBA. Its association with Orlando and DisneyWorld (the, ahem, Magic Kingdom) works well also. I begrudgingly give it good marks.
- Philadelphia 76ers - D+ - Taking a cue from the Ottawa Senators and the S.F. 49ers, Philly's NBA team breaks two rules: First, never name your team after people in government, no matter how regionally-appropriate it may be, and second, never name your team after a group of people who did something in a specific year by using the digits of the year and adding "-ers" to it. Not very impressive, Philadelphia. Not as bad as "Phillies", but still not very good.
- Phoenix Suns - A - Suns works for the same reasons that Heat does, except for that in my book it gets extra points for ending with an "s".
- Portland TrailBlazers - C - The jury's kind of out on Portland. it gets the regional angle pretty well, but it doesn't add anything that I can tell on the court; maybe they are brave and fearless? Try new things? I guess it could be said that a few years ago, they were brave and fearless when it came to breaking the law, and they tried lots of new things that were illegal. This gave them the nickname "Jail Blazers". Good times. I think it ends up that Trailblazers is a semi-dumb name.
- Sacramento Kings - B - In the NHL article, Paul said that Kings works for L.A., so I say it probably works in Sacramento too. It works, on a local angle, perhaps better in California's capital.
- San Antonio Spurs - C+ - I think that Spurs is okay, but not terribly great, since a spur is something that forces the issue, so to speak. But it's got the same problem that Pistons does; it doesn't translate well to the court. And they also had that bizarre pastel-striped logo a few years back that really mystified me for a long time. Not that it's related, but still.
- Seattle SuperSonics - C- - I read that SuperSonics came from the Boeing corporation, whose headquarters was in Olympia, WA, when the Sonics were picking their name. Apparently Boeing was designing a supersonic jet to compete with the Concorde, and it sounded like a good name for a basketball team (which, incidentally, it kind of is). So they went with it, only to have Boeing dump the project. By that time i guess the area was used to the team being called the Sonics so they stuck with it. The biggest problem with "SuperSonics" is that SuperSonic is an adjective, which violates one of the core tenets of team naming - never give your team a name that is an adjective.
- Toronto Raptors - A - Except for the fact that it's not immediately obvious what a raptor is to those who aren't palentology nerds or Jurassic Park fans, Toronto picked an excellent name for their team. Raptors invoke images of fast, deadly, scary predators, overwhelming even larger animals with their speed and cunning.
- Utah Jazz - F- - The very worst of the infamous SHCTNWTMG, there are few places where the name "Jazz" is less appropriate than Salt Lake City. Throw in the fact that "Jazz" is a pretty stupid name in and of itself and you've got one of the worst names in sports.
- Washington Wizards - B+ - Similar in application to the Magic, the Wizards are an acceptable mascot for a basketball team that might not work as well for other sports. Their old name, the Bullets, may have been more fearsome, but it carried a poor enough connotation that they went with Wizards a few years ago - a solid upgrade. Wizards is fine.
Well, there you have it. I would say that the Rockets, Timberwolves, and Heat have the best names, and the Jazz, Knicks, and Nets have the worst. What do you think? Feel free to comment here or on the original post back on eFaithFarm.com.
Posted by: skahtee / 2:10 PM 
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Perhaps it was your use of a school-style grading system that threw me off but I found some of your critiques to be perhaps a bit overly harsh. For example, the Bobcats. I think that origins are useful only when determining what an otherwise nonsensical name might have originally alluded to. For example, it's hard to hold it against the Detroit Tigers for naming their team after Princeton's football team socks because the end result is a solid name. Likewise the Bobcats may have had a stupid reason for their name, but the name itself is just fine in my estimation.
A couple others I take exception to:
Bulls - I assume a B- would still classify as an acceptable team name but docking points for a locale-specific connection on an otherwise strong name? I admit I laughed at the steaks and burgers crack but the fact that they even tried to make a local tie and didn't hose the name in the process is pretty solid.
Calaviers - I actually don't have a problem with the rating because it's pretty obtuse but according to Wikipedia, a Cavalier was often used as a synonym for a group of people during the English Civil War, albeit in a derogatory context. Shakespearean English seems to have used it to mean an "overbearing swashbuckler or swaggering gallant," which again is kind of a put-down. So no gripes from me, but I thought it might be interesting to know where the word comes from.
Mavericks - Again not really a complaint with the rating but for different reasons. I still don't think origins should necessarily count against a name (although you are certainly right that this is pretty egregious) but in this case the name itself is antithetical to what a basketball team should stand for since a Maverick, in regular English, describes a loner or a nonconformist. Not too good if you have a team that, essentially, refuses to work as a team.
Pistons - I just think this is a good name; better than a B-. Locally specific? Check. Indicating power and precision? Check.
Clippers - The only case where I think you were too generous. Named after clipper ships in San Diego? Huh? The basketball/sailing vessel connection is totally lost on me and since they didn't change it to something else when they moved, it's really sucktastic. Honestly, I kind of always thought their name had something to do with haircutting which isn't any better but just shows how lame their name really is.
Nets - This gets an F but Clippers doesn't? Look I see how the rhyming angle is dumb but incorporating an aspect of the game isn't too terrible. I grant the name certainly isn't good, but I probably would have classified it borderline so I'm thinking maybe C- is more appropriate.
Heat/Suns - I'm not saying they're bad names and I get the locality angles, but I'm just wondering how higher temperatures are of any benefit basketball?
TrailBlazers I like this name quite a bit. Regionally specific and one would expect those who blaze trails to be in the lead or arrive first and be leaders, all of which works in a sports context.
Anyway, good list. I was watching the MLB cup the other day and I realized that pro soccer may have the most instances of singular team names of all other sports combined. They have really dumb names all around, actually.
Chicago Fire, Columbus Crew, DC United, New England Revolution, Club Deportivo Chivas USA (?!?), FC Dallas, Houston Dynamo and Los Angeles Galaxy.
But it gets worse. The New York Red Bulls... yes, they are named after the energy drink and have Red Bull logos on their team uniforms. And the best of all: Real Salt Lake. That's the team name. I don't even know where to begin.
A couple others I take exception to:
Bulls - I assume a B- would still classify as an acceptable team name but docking points for a locale-specific connection on an otherwise strong name? I admit I laughed at the steaks and burgers crack but the fact that they even tried to make a local tie and didn't hose the name in the process is pretty solid.
Calaviers - I actually don't have a problem with the rating because it's pretty obtuse but according to Wikipedia, a Cavalier was often used as a synonym for a group of people during the English Civil War, albeit in a derogatory context. Shakespearean English seems to have used it to mean an "overbearing swashbuckler or swaggering gallant," which again is kind of a put-down. So no gripes from me, but I thought it might be interesting to know where the word comes from.
Mavericks - Again not really a complaint with the rating but for different reasons. I still don't think origins should necessarily count against a name (although you are certainly right that this is pretty egregious) but in this case the name itself is antithetical to what a basketball team should stand for since a Maverick, in regular English, describes a loner or a nonconformist. Not too good if you have a team that, essentially, refuses to work as a team.
Pistons - I just think this is a good name; better than a B-. Locally specific? Check. Indicating power and precision? Check.
Clippers - The only case where I think you were too generous. Named after clipper ships in San Diego? Huh? The basketball/sailing vessel connection is totally lost on me and since they didn't change it to something else when they moved, it's really sucktastic. Honestly, I kind of always thought their name had something to do with haircutting which isn't any better but just shows how lame their name really is.
Nets - This gets an F but Clippers doesn't? Look I see how the rhyming angle is dumb but incorporating an aspect of the game isn't too terrible. I grant the name certainly isn't good, but I probably would have classified it borderline so I'm thinking maybe C- is more appropriate.
Heat/Suns - I'm not saying they're bad names and I get the locality angles, but I'm just wondering how higher temperatures are of any benefit basketball?
TrailBlazers I like this name quite a bit. Regionally specific and one would expect those who blaze trails to be in the lead or arrive first and be leaders, all of which works in a sports context.
Anyway, good list. I was watching the MLB cup the other day and I realized that pro soccer may have the most instances of singular team names of all other sports combined. They have really dumb names all around, actually.
Chicago Fire, Columbus Crew, DC United, New England Revolution, Club Deportivo Chivas USA (?!?), FC Dallas, Houston Dynamo and Los Angeles Galaxy.
But it gets worse. The New York Red Bulls... yes, they are named after the energy drink and have Red Bull logos on their team uniforms. And the best of all: Real Salt Lake. That's the team name. I don't even know where to begin.
Found both the original list and Paul's comments interesting and insightful. The one note I'm surprised didn't come up was the pronunciation of "Celtics" since the NBA team has always been SEL-tiks but in every recent context I've heard the term is pronounced KEL-tiks, except of course for the basketball team. This is almost as bad as Maple LEAFs.
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